He left his wife and children. How to leave your wife painlessly
“To leave or to stay - that is the question!” - modern Hamlet would say. Consumer society gave rise to the problem of choice. And not only products and goods. She automatically transferred to human relationships.
People no longer want to endure and suffer. They want to live here and now, tasting the fruits of joy and realizing pictures from Hollywood melodramas.
A difficult correspondence with reader Dmitry from Yekaterinburg pushed us to take up this topic. He asked for our advice. The result is something like distance psychotherapy. And without making a final decision, Dmitry asks readers for help. You can send your opinions and stories on the same topic to authors by e-mail [email protected] and [email protected]
Hello!
I will try to explain how I feel, and I will be glad if you help me figure it out. I do not like my wife. I realized this six months after the wedding. But getting divorced right away was somehow stupid, he thought he would be hardened, falling in love. He suffered, but did not fall in love. Rather, I relate to her well, and from our side we have an ideal family. But only in moments of utmost honesty with myself do I understand that I lie and lied to both myself and her. I am a sociable person, flexible and non-conflict. And you can learn to live next to any person, which I did. You can consider me henpecked, but in order to avoid unnecessary hassle, I’d better keep silent again, do as my wife asks, and everyone is happy. Except me. Three years ago, I met a striking woman who delights me with everything: intelligence, honesty, decency, feminine gentleness, some kind of childish touching, trusting. With all this, she is incredibly beautiful. Like in the song: "Girls like the stars." In general, having 13 years of family life, I fell in love for the first time. She did not suspect this for a long time, but somehow I could not stand it and told her everything. Three years have passed since then. And all this time we communicate. I know for sure that it is easy for me and always pleasant, even when we quarrel. I, an adult man, have hops in my head when she looks at me and accidentally touches me, I know that I am interested in her, I miss him when I don’t see her for a long time, I am furious when she just talks to other men. We both dream of intimacy. But I respect her too much to doom to the unenviable role of a lover. And I'm afraid to get divorced. I don’t want to be a traitor in the eyes of those around me, I can’t leave the woman with whom I acquired the joint property, who is the mother of my only 3-year-old daughter. How will parents react? What will the colleagues say? There have also been many contacts with my wife’s relatives: I am a friend of her brother. And here is guilt too.
In the end, I crush my love within me. I have repeatedly told my beloved that she needs another man who will become her a good husband. She is silent. Only her deep eyes are filled with tears. My heart hurts because I hurt my loved one.
I am not a scoundrel or a cheater, but I am an unhappy person.
Dasha ZAVGORODNAYA: Be a man - get divorced!
Dmitry, no matter how deeply married you are, you must get out of these depths. From this abyss of irresponsibility into which you threw yourself. I had a problem similar to yours when I divorced my unloved husband. I was afraid that his relatives, friends, he would judge me. But I pulled myself together and said firmly: “You deserve a better share than me. The other woman will love and care you more. ” And here is what the husband replied: “Love is not love, but you are the only one with whom you can agree. I cannot find another one. ” I: “And bet you will find?” And I persuaded him to start a profile on a dating site. As started - immediately a bunch of girls. He married one, and everything is fine with them now. I have a great relationship with him and his family. You say: relatives, relationships, wife, daughter. Among all the characters that you mention, there is no main thing - you yourself. It seems that you are a diligent little boy who is trying to please everyone: teacher, mother, friends in the yard. And as a result, he receives nothing but cuffs. Because ALL is impossible to please! Dmitry, we must learn to make adult independent decisions. And take the responsibility of choice, otherwise you will remain an unhappy baby, who was driven into a corner.
Tatyana OGNEVA:
Don't want to get a divorce? And don’t! You’ll never get divorced, argue? You respect (and in your own way love) your wife, adore your daughter. You have an established life. This is not just about changing one woman to another. You will have to break long-term foundations, habits. I’ll tell you a story about a man who, after 20 years of seemingly happy marriage, suddenly fell in love with a beautiful blonde, a dream girl. And I thought: to leave - not to leave. And then his friends gave him a birthday present - a whole day of jokes. In the morning, his unexpected companion - a beautiful blonde - suddenly took her to the airfield, where she put him in a balloon, and he flew over the city all morning. Then, on the way to work, he always came across smiling long-legged models. Beauties on this day were everywhere, wherever he came. It just blossomed, meeting and flirting with them all. And then it was arranged so that he came to that cafe where he had once met his wife. She sat in the same place, holding a magazine in her hands, smiled at him just as she had once. Then he realized that there were a lot of female stars. And the faithful, faithful, loving wife is alone.
However, I can’t decide for you. It may turn out that this girl is your true destiny and love of all life. The main thing is that one day you still need to put an end to your throwings. And choose someone alone. After all, both women somehow live in the same terrible, severe uncertainty as you.
PSYCHOLOGICAL WORKSHOP
There are two serious dangers in the “leave or stay” situation. You must know about them before making a final decision.
The first terrible pitfall is called "uncertainty." You yourself do not know what awaits you, with whom and how you will build your life, therefore you simply cannot plan anything even for the near future. Throwing souls are harmful not only to the psyche, but also to the whole organism as a whole. Imagine, every second your nerves are stretched to the limit for several weeks, or even months. Such a state of tension, Chinese philosophers call "yellow." In it, human resources burn out much faster. Stress deprives sleep, appetite and interferes with work. The main danger is that one day your body will make a choice for you. Either the heart refuses, or psychological impotence sets in. In women, by the way, due to the same problem of choice, temporary frigidity and insensitivity of the genitals can occur.
Worst of all, what can be when a person finally exhausted by his own torments in order to stop them, finally makes at least some decision. But in the fever, as you know, nothing good can be done.
The second creepy beast is called "fear of responsibility." The paradox is that more than anything in the world, wanting to decide, you are afraid to make a decision. You are scared to take responsibility for the destruction of the family, for creating a new one. (What if it doesn’t work out, and was it all in vain?) I really want to share this responsibility with someone. Some go to fortune-tellers, others get friends with a question: “Well, what should I do, what?” Well, if a person turns to a good psychologist, and he helps him understand everything in himself and decide without moral loss. But psychologists are also different.
There is a danger of making a decision under the influence of an outsider. But to disentangle something, if that, you have to.
WHAT TO DO:
You would be happy to calm down, it's impossible, right? You need to take a timeout. The advice is banal, but very effective. You just need to decide in the near future no decision to make. At all. Of course, when they pull on both sides and demand to decide, it is difficult. Therefore, it would be ideal to temporarily move away from both poles of attraction. To live with a friend, rent a room in another area, take a vacation and go alone to the country. In general, make sure that you live alone for at least a week or two. And not in order to think about what to do. On the contrary, in every way distracted: read books, watch action films, go fishing, etc. But just do not think. The fact is that if you do not cycle, then your subconscious mind will do all the hard work for you. One day in the middle of the night you can jump stung with a cry: “Eureka! I know what I want! ”
There is another option for making a decision. The unknown creates so many fears. Therefore, you need to draw yourself alternatives: what awaits you with this person, and what’s with it. Thoroughly fantasize, or better yet, describe these alternatives in a school essay style. Now you know what will happen if you go “to the right,” and what if you go to the “left.” However, now you can wave to the cottage.
Joke in topic
The wife found out about her mistress and drove out of the house. I do not know what to do.
And you give her a TV ...
In the sense of?
I’m here, sometimes, I’m not sleeping at home for weeks. I’m coming back, and she with open arms: “I drank beer again!”
Family life is a complex and delicate matter. After all, in fact, two people met who, in fact, have different perceptions of life positions, different levels of thinking, different life values \u200b\u200band goals. Unfortunately, during the meeting period, this is not so noticeable, but when there is already a full-fledged family, it turns out that adjusting to each other is very, very difficult. The main goal of the newlyweds is to immediately try to find mutual understanding, some succeed, others do not.
For each woman, romantic relationships proceed in different ways, and at one point, they can all end. The man collects things and leaves. Of course, before committing such an act, many men think about how to leave their wife, without causing her pain. Many women are sure that taking it off so surely doesn’t happen, and if they are still in love, they simply don’t see what changes have happened in the life of their loved one. And if the husband declares: “I want to leave my wife”, there are reasons for this. But if, nevertheless, a decision is made, it is necessary to do it as tactfully as possible.
How to part
- Reconsider your decision. Take a piece of paper and write about why you decided to do this. Remember, when you made the decision to marry this woman, for some reason you did it. What happened, changed the attitude towards her? Or you, therefore, want to give her the opportunity to change her attitude towards you. And if you are firm in your decision, then you need to prepare for parting, because such relations cannot have a future.
- Try to talk tactfully with your wife and tell her that you are tired and would like to take a break from each other, at the same time, indicate a term, for example six months. Also tell her that all this time you will help financially and morally. This does not hurt her pride so much. A woman in this case will receive such news less painfully. At the same time, one must speak about it firmly, and that this is not discussed. And after a while, if your decision does not change, invite her to leave everything as it is. After all, a woman will also have time to rethink everything, and then your relationship can go to another level. Everyone will live their own lives.
- If you increasingly began to have the thought: how to leave your wife, you need to be able to talk to her correctly and tactfully. Psychologists recommend talking about this in neutral territory. It is necessary to stock up on good arguments and be prepared for any reaction of the wife. After all, who else but you know your wife best of all. Her reaction can also be predictable, so you need to carefully prepare for such a conversation.
- If a man decided to leave his pregnant wife, then this situation is not easy to resolve. First you need to think it over. After all, deciding to have a baby, you were happy, imagine this innocent baby, maybe you will change your mind. But if you do not even allow such a thought, tell her about it honestly and directly. Assure her that you will not leave her alone and will constantly help, but do not leave her hope at the same time. Conduct the conversation correctly and well, do not try to arouse guilt in yourself, try to maintain friendly relations. Everyone has the right to their decision.
We officially divorced my wife because of my affair with another woman. But I can’t completely leave the family: I have to endure my wife because I love my children and need to be with them constantly. But my life is a torment ...
Dmitry, 39 years old
Let’s, Dmitry, look at what is happening through the eyes of your children - your beloved, the only ones with whom you cannot part. What do they see and feel? Tense (or annoyed) parents, slipping hints, meaningful pauses ...
Child psychoanalyst Francoise Dolto argued that "children and dogs know everything about the family." Believe me, this is true. And with the thought that right now your children “know about the family”, I feel anxiety for them and their future. Of course, they need both mom and dad, but even more they need a predictable and safe environment. And they also need to understand in their children's ways what is happening and not be afraid to ask.
Do they dare to ask direct questions or have they already learned to pretend that everything is normal, although in reality everyone is feeling bad? I think that your children live in a minefield. When was the last time they saw their parents laughing, doing something together, or simply talking peacefully to their parents? You can’t portray it, you can’t fake it.
Your physical presence and even your love do not give them this, excuse me for being straightforward. It turns out that three adults are absorbed in their own feelings, and the children are held hostage. However, adults, unlike children, made decisions themselves, for which they are now paying.
Since you nevertheless created this situation, it’s worth considering not only your feelings - at least now, since you have not done this before.