Supports that we choose: psychological support. Find a fulcrum

01.10.2019

“God forbid you to live in the Age of Change” (Chinese wisdom).

The crisis, the disturbing news on TV, the growing tension in the world ... A difficult period when it is easy to lose stability. Increased stress leads to increased levels of anxiety and aggression, sleep disturbance, psychosomatic diseases, conflicts with loved ones ... How not to lose yourself in this chaos? What is our psychological support and how to develop it?

Change does not always depend on us, whether it is a change for the better or for the worse. We have no power over many circumstances. At any moment, the familiar system of external supports can get out from under your feet. And then you have to rely only on yourself and on the internal supports.

What is the inner support.

Reliance - that which gives a sense of stability, reliability, and therefore - security. The basis, the symbolic "earthly firmament". Our external support system is, first of all, close people on whom we “rely”, that is, we feel their support. Even when they are not there, we know that they are in our lives, and this makes it easier. But a loved one can voluntarily or involuntarily fail: in a difficult moment to betray or simply not be able to come to the rescue. This can be a real tragedy if the internal support system is insufficient.

Our inner support is the ability to find support in ourselves. Count on yourself and your own resources. That it allows you not to get lost in the most difficult situations, during the stages of change. Remember the toy "vanka-vstanka"? A properly located center of gravity helps the toy level out, no matter what happens. This is a good metaphor for our internal stability: if external stress is excessive, it can overturn us. The most important thing is to level out later, and this can be done at the expense of internal balance.

There are people who primarily rely on external support, that is, on someone else. And someone - hopes, first of all, on himself.
Of course, it’s more correct for an adult to rely on himself. But this becomes a problem if you rely only on yourself. We need a balance: stand on our own feet, but also be able, if necessary, to seek help.

How and when our stronghold is formed.

Our internal system of support, self-sufficiency is formed as a reflection of external support. This happens in childhood and adolescence. First, there is an external figure that the child is counting on. First of all, these are parents, but also other adult family members, teachers, then friends ... There is a process of symbolic “absorption” of this support system. In her image and likeness, a system of self-support is formed already in adulthood: as the child was cared for, so he takes care of himself in the future.

What was the external support, such will become the internal.

Violations.

If the environment was moderately supportive and caring, then in adulthood we can count on ourselves.
Excessive care infantilizes: such a person will continue to rely only on others.

Lack of care and support in childhood leads to two extremes: either infantility and helplessness, as in the previous example. Or to incorrect, excessive independence: such a person relies only on himself, but does not know how to take care of himself.

Violation of external support in childhood prevents the formation of internal support.

How to develop your support system.

It is important to develop the ability to rely on oneself, to maintain internal stability.

If the external support is unpredictable, then the internal one is always with us. Therefore, an adult must first develop self-sufficiency.

We offer several exercises from body-oriented psychotherapy aimed at developing internal support. They will help you, like a toy vanka-vstanka, even out even in stressful situations.

1 "Magnet". During the exercise, walk around the room, preferably barefoot. Imagine that you are literally magnetized to the floor. You have to slowly tear off your foot, you roll it on the floor. Then she presses hard onto the floor. Feel the stability of the earth, its reliability. Feel this feeling. Try to feel your legs as much as possible. Lead time: about 10 minutes. 2 "Axis". Stand steady. Imagine an axis passing through your spine, right through the center of your body. It begins above, above the head, And then goes to the ground. This is your symbolic inner core. Reliance that is always with you. Start spinning around this axis, slowly, and clockwise and counterclockwise, in different directions. Keep the image of the rod on which you lean, around which you rotate. Feel how you calm down. Do the exercise for about 10 minutes. 3 “Vanka-vstanka”. Stand up, place your feet approximately shoulder-width apart, they should be soft and stable, maintaining their strength, like panther paws. Put your hands on the lower abdomen - there is our center of gravity, balance. Imagine it as a ball. Start swinging with your whole body, slowly, while gently increasing the amplitude. Your task is to feel your ball, how it helps your body maintain stability, despite wiggling. Gives alignment. In difficult situations, you can then return to the image of this ball in the lower abdomen, and it will help you maintain a psychological balance. Exercise execution time: 5-7 minutes. four “Imagine your skeleton.” This exercise is done lying on your back in a free open pose: arms and legs are freely spread out. Imagine that you look at yourself from the side with magical x-ray vision and see your skeleton inside the body. Consider carefully how stable it is, one, all its parts are interconnected. This is your support, which is always with you. Now feel it inside your body. If for some reason the image that has arisen is not complete, and you feel less of your skeleton in some parts of the body, try to make it full, to feel everything, your whole body. Time: about 10 minutes. 5 “Drinking”. Lie on your back, put your hands on the lower abdomen. Imagine the center of gravity there, the center of equilibrium as a ball. What colour is he? What color do you support and balance with? And now imagine how this color spills out of a ball all over the body. It nourishes it, fills it with support and stability. Feel the body relax. The exercise takes about 15 minutes. 6 "Roots." Stand steady. Imagine you are a sprout sprouting into the ground. Roots come from your feet to the ground, allowing you to be a stable plant, to be nourished by the juices of the earth, to grow up. Well imagine the roots coming from each foot. If you don’t like the image (roots, for example, are weak), transform it with the power of active imagination. Try to bring your image to the best for yourself. Enjoy the feeling of stability. About 15 minutes. 7 "Snake". You can put rhythmic music in the background. Sit firmly, the best of all - in Turkish (if you feel comfortable). Imagine your spine is a snake. And the snake is dancing: wriggling. Move your back to the music, repeating the smooth movements of this “snake”. From top to bottom, include the whole back in the dance. Feel your spine flexible, durable, healthy. Enjoy his dance.

The regular implementation of these exercises helps to improve self-regulation, increases adaptability, and develops a system of internal support.

If you look closely at the activity of people in this world, you will find that most of them, not knowing this, are in constant search of support. But in reality, people almost never find it, because there can be no genuine internal support in the external world. Peter Zorin

When we internally focus on objective reality, our happiness begins to depend on the outside world. And then the outside world is forced to continue to provide us with supports: material, emotional, financial, physical, related to relationships. If suddenly a failure occurs and the supply stops, we are in a deep crisis. Peter Zorin

People who do not have internal support sometimes assume that it can be found in another person. The unexpected behavior of a loved one is then regarded as the collapse of all the pillars. An attempt to compensate, thus, the lack of their own internal support has never been successful before.

If tired of straining, lost faith in oneself, what is desired does not seem so alluring - all these actions were not connected with internal support.

To achieve maturity, a person needs to overcome his desire to receive support from the outside world and find new sources of support in himself.

Maturity or mental health is the ability to switch from relying on the environment and from regulating oneself to the environment to relying on oneself and self-regulation. Frederick Perls

The main condition for both self-reliance and self-regulation is a state of equilibrium. The condition for achieving this equilibrium is the awareness of one’s needs, the distinction between the main and the secondary.

The ability to rely on yourself sprouts and grows stronger when you gain the ability to do what you think is necessary. Do whatever your environment thinks about it. You yourself should have a sense of the importance of what you are doing.

Growing up, or maturity, occurs when a person mobilizes his strength and ability to overcome the depression, anxiety, frustration, despair and fear that arise due to the lack of support from others.

A situation in which a person cannot take advantage of the support of others and rely on himself is called a dead end. Maturity is the ability to take risks in order to get out of the impasse.

The search for the guilty or the desire to manipulate deprive a person of a point of support. Recognition of responsibility opens up a sea of \u200b\u200bopportunity, freedom and choice.

The fulcrum in itself gives the realization that the source of happiness, stability, reliability is within us, gives strength to meet different situations calmly, with wisdom and courage.

Reliance in oneself is love guided by inner wisdom, and it does not depend on results obtained from without. It is not driven by fear, is not based on titles and ranks, points of view, property, money, a specific person or any external activity. Davigi

The most powerful support in the world is love, the strongest support in life is the inner core. Juliana Wilson

People with true inner support are self-sufficient. They do not need someone who could support them, confirm their innocence, or console them. One of the very important features of such people is their inner honesty before themselves. Peter Zorin

Any external changes begin within us, with a change in the focus of our perception. As soon as we find ourselves and believe in ourselves, many of our problems that seemed insoluble will go away. A person who wants to become a channel of universal power must learn to accept himself and rely on himself.

When a person finds a foothold in himself, the mental stereotypes of the environment cease to play a decisive role for him. He does not accept other people's opinions as an indisputable authority. He does not creep before customs and traditions. He does not accept the sense of duty imposed on him. Without even feeling the need to go into conflict with people, he will be internally free from their conventions. For this reason, a self-trusting person is difficult to seduce or intimidate. It is difficult to pressure or manipulate.

Such a person trusts himself, and not his opinions and views - and therefore it will not be difficult for him to change his point of view when the need arises. He values \u200b\u200btruth higher than the concrete formulation of truth.

Education in oneself of will, courage, justice and honesty changes a person’s relationship with the outside world and leads to the maturation of the individual. There are also feedbacks that, when educating the above four external manifestations of the inner spirit, open up the human heart and thereby reveal its spirit.

When a fulcrum is found, then the person feels the desire to act, to realize his abilities, to set goals, go to them, develop. And when a person thinks and acts, he simply does not have time for the suffering inherent in the state of external support.

The goal of a person relying on himself is the desire for self-realization of his mission on Earth. He chose for himself a path that has no end, on which his aspirations for infinite perfection will be satisfied. The external world for him, in which all other people live, will simultaneously serve him and the school, in which all the events that take place will serve as lessons for him on his path to infinite perfection, and at the same time, the external reality will be the basis of his physical existence on The earth. Peter Zorin

And only the heart can tell each person whether he really needs to go where he is going, and it may turn out that even if the rest of the population of the Earth needs it, he is the only one whose path should lie in a different direction. And this direction is the direction of harmonization of one’s being. Enmerkar

When we rely on ourselves in everything, we believe that we are the divine self-expression of the universe and that our words, thoughts and deeds reflect the divine. Davigi

The fulcrum is a state in which nothing affects us, and we ourselves are able to return ourselves to a state in which we act on the situation in the right way, harmoniously manifesting ourselves.

Be a lamp for yourself
Be your own support
Stick to your own truth
as the only light. Erich Fromm

Find a fulcrum in yourself. Growing up and maturity of personality. Psychological quotes and statements.

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We all have to deal with poisonous people. We are talking about people with manipulative inclinations, making subjective judgments and inattentive to the feelings of other people. Communication with such representatives of society can be very uncomfortable, especially if you have to see each other every day.

But first, let's decide who these toxic people are. Here are 9 signs of a poisonous person.

1. They talk more than listen.

Toxic people have narcissistic tendencies, and they are unable to concentrate on anything other than themselves. This contradicts the Buddhist worldview, in which compassion and kindness to other people (and to oneself) are of paramount importance.

2. They think they are never wrong.

Everything that they say is right, and everything that you say is wrong. Toxic people do not want to learn and react very sharply to criticism.

3. Drama accompanies them everywhere.

They always experience some kind of tragedy. But if you offer advice, they will simply say that this will not work.

4. They build all relationships for show.

All their love affairs are ostentatious, since they do everything just so that other people can see it. They don’t just know how to enjoy a relationship.

5. Their personal experience is a standard with which they compare everything.

They value all things based on their personal life experiences. For example, if they hate yoga, then it is a 100% waste of time, and arguing with them is useless.

6. They often lie.

To some extent, they benefit from their lies, so they lie without a twinge of conscience.

7. They lack tact in communicating with other people.

One of the signs of poisonous people is the lack of empathy and a sense of superiority over others. They are proud of their honesty, so they never bother to choose words when they want to get something from others.

8. They are trying to control other people.

They want you to act in a certain way for their benefit.

9. They like to talk about others.

They like to mock others for their eyes in order to increase their own self-esteem.

“The deeper your awareness of the current moment, the calmer you will be towards hostility. And the longer you think about it, the deeper you will understand how much this person must suffer inside in order to behave in this way. This knowledge will allow you to relate to these people with the necessary degree of compassion and compassion, which will give you the opportunity to maintain maximum calm when communicating with them.

In the end, with a sufficient degree of compassion and insight, you can easily put out the fire of hostility ... When people see that they are treated well, despite the manifestation of hostility, they themselves change their behavior for the better. Helping them to get rid of the poison that sits inside them, you help yourself, because in the end you will see a different person who is set up to you in a positive way. ”

Publisher: Knarik Petrosyan - February 18, 2019

Entrepreneur, marketer Dan Waldschmidt on his blog shares provocative, and sometimes just sobering, ideas on how to get things going. Here are 26 more such ideas. (In the original, the tips are matched to the letters of the English alphabet.)

Achieve more. Get things done. Stop starting - start ending.

Believe in more. Remember that you have enough strength to conquer the world.

Chat more. Stop thinking that everyone understands you already. Share with people what drives you.

Admire more. Bring the world a sense of wonder and excitement. Be unexpected.

Influence more. Help others recognize the changes they want to make.

Give more. Live for the love of others. Give others as much as you would like to receive.

Help more. Extend a helping hand even when you need both hands for your own affairs.

More innovation. Be a creator, puppeteer and artist. Design beautiful.

Unite more. Help people, ideas and opportunities find each other. Connect them.

Get on your knees. Modesty will take you further than arrogance and a tendency to blame others.

Learn more. Never be satisfied with what you think you know. Open your mind.

Get the most out of more. Take available resources and tailor them to your needs.

Cherish and grow. Get good people into a great relationship. Let people be a priority.

Be a pioneer. Leave a mark after you. Take risks and move into the unknown.

Delineate more. Learn to say “NO” to good opportunities that do not open up huge prospects for you.

Repair more. Fix all the “problems with people” in your life. Correct your financial problems and deal with your health.

Specialize more. Do one thing well — instead of doing a dozen things in a row.

Experiment more. Press all the buttons. Turn all the knobs. Formulate your own conclusions.

Discover more. Stop paying attention to superficial problems - look into the soul.

Win more. Stop losing. Start doing what brings quick wins.

Analyze more. Be honest about your intentions and motives.

Scream more. Speak out loud and out loud about what matters most to you.

Turn around more. See what everyone else considers necessary for you, and do the opposite.

Publisher: Knarik Petrosyan - February 18, 2019

When we feel unhappy, do not despair. We need to gradually change our thinking and behavior, so that these changes bring us closer to happiness.

At such moments, going forward, continuing your path in life becomes difficult if there is no serious motive to do so. But such a motive is not difficult to find, it is you yourself.

When we do not care about satisfying our emotional needs, when it seems to us that nothing depends on us, the world seems to be turned upside down.

You can try to cheer yourself up, you can say to yourself “time heals everything, the black line will pass ...”, but it doesn’t help much. You need to "take fate into your own hands."

Yes, there are times when nothing pleases us. But you can’t allow bad moments to turn into bad life ...

We will explain how to do it.

Strategies in a situation where nothing pleases

If nothing pleases us, if we feel that for three months we will have to live in a terrible mood, with insomnia, apathy, and a loss of interest in everything, it is worthwhile to consult a doctor.

It is possible that we have depression, and you need to consult a specialist who will diagnose and tell you how to deal with the disease.

Perhaps the diagnosis of depression will not be confirmed. In any case, the strategies that we will talk about will be useful.

Consider your rhythm: now everything is slower

We feel bad, we cannot and should not hide it. Why smile and pretend that everything is fine when we are sad and we feel apathy?

Do not try to portray feelings that you do not feel.

You have the right to sadness and sorrow. Negative emotions bring certain benefits, they show us that "something in our life needs to be changed."

Consider the fact that your mind and body are now acting more slowly. They kind of tell us that we don’t need to rush, but we need to delve into our thoughts in order to understand what is happening and find a way out of this situation.

Focus not on how you feel, but on what you need to do

In this state, you often feel anger, sadness, you want to sleep, and then - to talk with someone.

You need to focus your attention not on what you feel, but on what needs to be done.

I need to look good.
I need to be alone.
I need to have new dreams.
You need to start all over again.
You need to stop feeling sad.
I want to be needed by people.
I want to have a high self-esteem.

Do something every day to make you feel better

You cannot improve your condition instantly. You need to work on this constantly, gradually changing your thinking and behavior.

These small daily activities improve our emotional state, and we gradually begin to feel better.

To be happy, you need to be able to give up some things and even people. This is not always easy to do, it takes some courage.

We must learn to listen to our needs, to our conscience. Then we can understand that these or other things contradict our essence, they do not allow us to be happy.
Refuse - means and complete certain stages, life "cycles". It is important to be able to determine that which no longer brings us anything good, does not enrich us, that which makes us feel bad.
The fact that we are unhappy is often not to blame. Rather, our fears and self-doubt, which close our door to happiness, are to blame.

Learn to identify these internal “pests” and get rid of them. No effort should be pitied for this.

Publisher: Knarik Petrosyan - February 18, 2019

Some people think that you dominate. Some just think you're rude. But none of them are right. These words, in fact, do not reflect your personality.

Strong people do not need to win, they just do not want to let other people crawl on their neck. Of course, some people may be afraid of you. But this is only because they do not understand how you can be so comfortable with yourself that you do not need anyone else.

Here are eight signs that you are a strong personality that can scare some people.

1. You do not like excuses

Strong personalities do not tolerate excuses. When you are a strong personality, you do not want to listen to people who miss any occasion. You better focus on what you can do and how you can overcome obstacles in order to do more.

2. You care about what you put into your life

As a strong person, you do not rely on other people, you clearly understand - “who” you are, “why you need” you, or “what you can do.” You acknowledge that some people must do the same in order to feel better.

3. You hate talking about anything

Useless conversation is terrible. If you are a strong person, you have a lot of ideas. You don’t want to waste time gossiping about people when you can change the world.

4. You cannot tolerate numbness, idiocy, or ignorance

Strong personalities are the result of caring and awareness. There is a huge difference between them and the dominants.

Since you spent time and energy using your brain, you hate it when people make instant judgments about things that they know nothing about. This is probably your best quality, but not because you can use your knowledge to influence people. This is because you can use it to encourage people to actually think about what they say before doing it.

5. Do you know how to listen

Strong personalities know how to listen. You might think that people would appreciate it. But, in fact, being heard and encouraged is a fear for people who are not used to it.

6. You do not need attention

Strong personalities do not need attention. Most of the people you come across think that you are succeeding in charisma, but this is not true. The amount of your communication goes off scale, not because you want this, but because people need people like you.

7. You are fearless

Okay, that’s not true. There are probably a couple of things that you fear. But the difference between you and other people is that you do not allow this fear to dictate how you live your life.

8. You strive for growth and development

Insecurity for you is an opportunity to do better. You know that you are not perfect, but if you are trying to learn and develop, despite the risk of looking stupid.

Publisher: Knarik Petrosyan - February 18, 2019

I recently received three emails with the same mark: "I am ready to start all over again." This synchronization caught my attention, made me think. All three people described in detail the situations from their lives, and all three simultaneously asked the same question:

“I don’t know what to do, where to go, I only know that I want to be successful ... But what should I do?”

Obviously, it is not so easy to find the answer to such a radical and open question. But I will try to do it - for all of us. I offer you 5 principles and strategies by which I live myself. These are 5 ways to change your life at any age.

1. Focus less on the future, and more on the present.

I agree, it is absolutely normal to plan your future. But - not to the detriment of today. The truth is that no matter how smart you are, and no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to accurately model your tomorrow. Even people who always have a carefully thought-out plan (for example, all the steps for mastering the profession of a doctor, doing business, etc.) are spelled out, in fact, cannot predict what awaits them along the way. It would be naive to hope that everything will be exactly as you planned.

Life rarely goes according to plan. For every person who set a goal and walked unhindered towards it, until they reach, there are hundreds of those who came to the start strong and confident, but did not reach the finish line. And if this happened to you, that's okay. Unforeseen circumstances and new opportunities can grow in front of you, like mushrooms after the rain.

Perhaps in order to adjust your perspective, strengthen your determination, and perhaps in order to help you understand that you are going the wrong way and should be minimized. It is possible that the place where you will be tomorrow does not even exist today. For example, some 10 years ago it was impossible to imagine that you can make a career on Google, Facebook or Twitter.

So, if you cannot plan your future, then what should you do? Focus less on the future. Focus on what you can do today, no matter what tomorrow brings you.

Read. Write. Learn new and practice it. Test your new skills and ideas. Create something new. Work on your relationship. All this will help you when you encounter unforeseen circumstances in the future.

One of the best ways to start implementing all this, I think, is to do or create something even very small in your free time. Most people spend their free time on things that are completely useless for their lives - watching TV shows, video games, social networks, and more. One year of such pastime - and you will have absolutely no ideas or desires left.

But if you draw every day, or study graphic design, or write a blog, or open and maintain your channel on YouTube, or write a business project, or spend more time with people with relevant skills ... in a year you can create something or do it. In addition, you will get a tremendous life experience, because you can proudly say: "I created something and what many people can not do."

It should be noted that this is on the shoulder not only young, easy to climb, but for each of us - regardless of age. Everything is very simple: every day, take at least a small step in the right direction, day after day, and so on - all your life.

2. Focus on the journey itself, not on achievements.

We gain the most valuable experience in life not in achieving something, but in the search for ways and solutions. The most important is your journey to the endless horizon, when the goals move with you, and you are calm, confident in yourself.

Why should we constantly go forward, move from one point to another? To understand the difference, to realize how the previous from the next differed, see what is between the two points of your route. In the process of this, a lot of wonderful things will happen to you: you will meet your love, become stronger, gain invaluable experience. It is impossible to get all this without moving forward, without your journey through life.

In other words, the right trip is our destination.

3. Do difficult things.

If you want to stop growing and stop, think of an excuse for yourself. A lot of excuses. And vice versa, if you want to get out of this “trap”, do things that literally push you out of your comfort zone. Do what you never did.

There is not a single plausible excuse to abandon this. Not a single one - to repeat the same mistakes with enviable persistence. Life is too short. You must finally throw off your fetters and feel free.

One of the most important skills that you should acquire in life is to learn how to stay calmly outside the comfort zone from time to time. Because truly worthwhile and magnificent things enter our lives only this way - it’s hard, painful, with effort.

Acquiring each new skill is not easy. Building a business is hard. Writing books is hard. Getting married is also not easy. And to raise children - as well. And keep fit. Everything is not easy and requires our efforts and efforts.

If you do not learn to do complex things, you will not do and will not achieve anything.

How to achieve all this? Purposefully do things that are difficult for you every day. Start with the smallest and gradually complicate the tasks. Start with 10 minutes if at first it’s very difficult for you.

Exercise every day for a month until you move to a slightly more difficult level. Try, for example, to meditate or exercise in writing every evening for at least 10 minutes - to begin with. When you feel that the level of discomfort has decreased - you can increase the time of classes.

4. Reconcile with uncertainty.

Developing the skill of “implementing complex things” is directly related to a sense of uncertainty. For example, if you decide to start your own business, which is commendable and wonderful. But if you are afraid of uncertainty - you can miss a lot.

You cannot know for sure how things will go, and in order to quickly respond to all challenges, you need to use new opportunities: come up with new projects, make new acquaintances. All this, of course, only adds uncertainty.

But if you accept uncertainty, you will simply discover a sea of \u200b\u200bnew opportunities. Of course, no one promises that it will be easy ...

Sometimes you don’t even fully understand which direction you are going. Each step will be difficult and will seem impossible. But you must remember that as long as you follow your intuition and take at least a small step every day in the direction of your goal, your internal GPS will lead you to your destination.

You will understand that you are a good person and you are doing everything right. That you are in the right place at the right time. Trust your instincts (intuition). Relax. You know what you are doing. Living is learning on the go.

Do not forget: life is a rather risky business. Your every decision, every initiative, every step is a risk. Even in the morning, when you get out of bed - you are already quite a bit, but at risk. In truth, life means knowing about this risk and accepting it, while never deceiving yourself. The choice is small: either do not get out of bed, comforting yourself with illusory security, or take risks and live.

If you simply ignore your feelings and allow uncertainty to triumph over you, this is bad. After all, you will never know anything for sure. And this uncertainty is even worse than finding confirmation of your worst guesses. After all, if you are mistaken, you can always correct everything and continue onward, without looking back and not being afraid of what lies ahead.

Afterword: when you learn to accept discomfort and uncertainty, absolutely everything will be on your shoulder. You can do what you were afraid to even think about yesterday. For example, traveling the world and blogging about it, writing a book, starting a business, moving to another city, learning to play some musical instrument, changing a profession, sailing to the island of your dreams with your family and much, much more. You do not need to wait years to do this. You can do it now, but with one condition - you have to accept discomfort and uncertainty. Well, remember: better late than never.

5. Work on your relationships with other people.

There are people whom you consider good, and there are those who you absolutely do not like. There are false and hypocritical, but there are real and sincere friends. There are people who hurt you with the very heart, and there are people who will help heal these wounds. You decide who to spend time with.

True friends are always honest, they will always come to your aid - exactly at the moment when you will need it most. Keep in touch with people who support you and keep their word.

In truth, if you spend your time on bad and unnecessary relationships for you (personal or professional), and vice versa - you will not spend much time on strengthening good relations, you will fall into the trap of fleeting novels and superficial friendships. Understanding this anyway will overtake you one day, so carefully analyze your relationship.

How to build healthy, lasting personal and professional relationships? How to find friends with whom you will grow, become better? How to meet the right people?

Chat! Chat every day with a lot of people, even if it’s uncomfortable for you. The bosses. Colleagues. Subordinates. Professors. Workers Mentors. Neighbors. Friends. Friends of friends. Everything! So the "network" of their people is built.

I changed three jobs after graduating from college (then I started my own business), but only the first employer interviewed me. The other two offered me a job without wasting time talking. However, they were guided only by the recommendations of the previous employer. And this is normal practice: to ask about a person those whom you trust.

If you already today begin to create a “network” of your people, this will work for you for many years to come. You will meet new acquaintances, new colleagues, former colleagues, etc. This is similar to the “snowball” effect and should last your whole life.

Again, do not think that this applies only to young people who easily make new friends. This can easily be done at any age. It would only be a desire.

The main thing is to be sincere and honest in all respects. When someone provides you with the opportunity to work with him, he is most afraid that you will not meet his expectations. Therefore, people who are always honest, care about their reputation - have more chances in life. Try to be always open and sincere in your relationships with everyone. If you have been shown errors, have the courage to acknowledge and work on them. Try to go beyond your personal or professional relationships when evaluating people - be it your boss or subordinate.

If you adhere to these principles, you can easily gain a good reputation and build healthy and strong relationships with other people. And this is the best way to get a good job, invest in your business or make a good friend.

Afterword

If you adhere to the principles described in this article, your life will radically change. You will be able to do and achieve much more than other people. There’s no reason to even compare. You will have a ton of new opportunities: build a career, create something incredible with someone, come up with an idea for a business, acquire skills for your further growth, etc.

Of course, you can not do all this and choose the easiest way in life. Thus - continue to move along the familiar circle of old problems and despair.

Or you can start the change from today, and make sure that the world around you is also changing.

“To exist in this world already means to have a relationship with him. And just as we relate to the world in general, we relate to everything that surrounds us. After all, parents and people are familiar and unfamiliar, and all objects, and animals are part of the world. But the matter is not simply limited to existence in the given circumstances. Relations with the world - this is primarily the comprehension of the rules of the game, which is called life.

Surprisingly, in philosophy this topic was developed only by Martin Heidegger - at the beginning of the twentieth century *. He described such rules, calling them "existentials." These are the conditions on which we exist in the world, "the reality of our existence." After all, we come to a situation that we do not choose. Gender and epoch, parents and nationality, social stratum and even, for example, the city in which we live, are none of this we choose. Therefore, our task is to accept these facts. And even if we plan to move to another city or want to break into a different social stratum or even change our gender, we must first accept that we live in this city now, were born a man or a woman ... Then we can understand that this does not suit us , and try to change, but it all starts with acceptance. Heidegger saw the essence of the decision to stop being afraid of his circumstances, to learn to look at them calmly.

Our relations with the world are formed in the first seven years of life. The second seven years is dedicated to our relationships with other people. In the third, we build relationships with ourselves. First, the child opens the world and learns to interact with him. A model for such an interaction is his relationship with his mother: for the baby, the mother is the world. After a year and a half, other factors are also included: confidence in the world arises not only thanks to parents. After all, a relationship with him is a personal decision for each of us. We have the freedom to trust the world.

The word "trust" is not accidental here. Remember how a little child learns reality. He either snuggles up to his mother, or, having made sure that he is safe, sets off to explore the world. And the distance of these “shuttle expeditions” is increasing every time. The child learns that the earth is hard and you can walk on it, that the neighbor's dog is kind and will not bite, that the swing in the yard is strong and will not break. He learns to trust: mother, nature, people and his powers.

How is fundamental trust experienced? Here's how: I put part of my problems on something or someone, on some kind of support - and the support survived! Moreover, there is no obligatory love and joy, there is only experience in relations with people who accepted me. So I can be and they give me to be!

Our whole life, our relationship with the world is the search and creation of supports on which you can put part of the burden of your life. We make friends, learn the profession, create a family. The support can be the structure in which we work, and relationships with colleagues, and our abilities and interests, people and groups of people ... One of the most important supports is our own body. We feel well rooted when we have many supports.

The decision on trust is also related to the realism of our perception. The closer to reality our assessment of one or another support, the less disappointment and more confidence in people and ourselves. Supports are usually brought up by someone who does not agree to accept reality, who wants to remake it at his discretion and does not perceive something that does not meet his expectations. The world does not fit into schemes and theories at all. (The only reliable statement about him is that he guarantees nothing to any of us.) Only an open position of trusting curiosity can save.

By the way, stories about grievances that can be overcome are overcome by forgiveness - these are always stories about reliance that did not live up to expectations. And one of the practices of forgiveness is precisely to help a person understand: could the one who turned out to be an unreliable support, withstand the burden placed on him? Gratitude, on the contrary, is an experience related to the fact that my support did not let me down. Anything can happen to any of us at any moment - this is one of the main rules of the game. And this is the biggest test of our relationship with the world. When all the pillars collapse, will there be something left? How then can I be in the world? And can I be? Or will I fall into this abyss of horror and despair, because there are no more supports?

In existential analysis there is the concept of the "basis of being." This is an experience rooted, as a rule, in previous experience. Experiencing that even if all the supports collapse, something will still remain. This very complex philosophical construction is nevertheless intuitively clear to anyone who is content with the phrase: "It never happened that it never did." This is the basis of our being.

I really like the image of the world as a trampoline stretched over the abyss. You can look in horror through the net into the abyss. And you can focus your eyes on the interweaving of this grid itself, realizing that it has withstood us more than once. Yes, tossed - so that we clumsily fell on her. But she did. And stand again. A person with such a focus of vision, with such an attitude to the world is well arranged in life - regardless of everything else. This ultimate experience of trust is often called God by people. But it is not a matter of faith in specific gods. This is a matter of our relations with the world. ”

* M. Heidegger "Being and Time" (Academic project, 2013).